How to Make Friends in a New Country as an Introvert

Culture · by Vairi Editorial · 6 min read

Introverts can make friends abroad by skipping big mixers for small, repeated activities where the task carries the conversation instead of you performing one. Moving abroad hands introverts a double bill. New culture, new language half-understood at speed, and a constant background hum of advice telling you to work the room and put yourself out there. If reading that sentence already tired you out, this is the other version.

You do not have to become outgoing

The standard playbook, work the room, collect numbers, say yes to everything, burns introverts out fast precisely because it was never written for you. There is decent research behind the alternative. A study by psychologist John Zelenski and colleagues had introverts act extraverted in social situations and found it briefly boosted positive feeling, but it also cost more cognitive effort and depleted their working memory afterwards. Translation: acting the part works for an afternoon, not for a strategy. Depth over breadth suits you better, and it is not a consolation prize.

Pick settings that carry the talking for you

Choose things with a built-in focus, so the pressure sits on the task rather than on you performing. A pottery class, a small climbing group, a volunteering shift, a language exchange with a fixed format and a timer. The activity supplies the topic. It also gives you cover to go quiet for ten minutes without it reading as rude.

A few low-pressure scripts for the first times

• An easy opener that hands them the talking: have you been coming to this long?
• A follow-up that shows you listened, instead of a fresh topic you have to invent on the spot.
• A gentle exit that leaves the door open: I need to head off, but I will see you next week.
• A small next step after the third or fourth time: a couple of us are getting coffee after, if you fancy it.

Having a few lines ready means you are not improvising your English (or French, or whatever it is) while also decoding a new culture in real time. That is one fewer thing your brain has to run simultaneously.

Budget your social energy like money

Socialising costs you something measurable, so treat it like a budget rather than a moral test. One good recurring commitment a week that you can actually sustain will outlast three you dread and quietly cancel. Plan quiet time after each one. Needing to recover is not a sign the approach is failing. It is just the mechanism.

The fear of getting the culture wrong

Introverts abroad often freeze over the fear of a cultural misstep more than the fear of the conversation itself. In practice, most people are generous toward a newcomer who is visibly trying, and asking how something is normally done locally is a conversation starter rather than an admission of failure. Small errors are how everyone, loud or quiet, actually learns a place.

Where a tool like Vairi fits

Meeting one aligned person at a time suits introverts far better than a room full of strangers you have to triage on the fly. Vairi runs its matching on a short AI-led conversation instead of a swipe grid, then introduces one match at a time and keeps things anonymous until both people choose to reveal, which takes a fair amount of the exposure off the table before you have even said hello.

For the wider settling-in picture, moved to another country and cannot make friends and making friends in a new city without forcing it both go further.

Pick one small, activity-based thing near you. Go once this week. Give yourself a quiet evening after. That is a complete plan for an introvert, not a partial one.

Do introverts need to force themselves to be more outgoing to make friends abroad?

No. A study by psychologist John Zelenski found acting extraverted briefly boosted mood but cost more cognitive effort and depleted working memory afterward, so it works for an afternoon, not as a strategy. Depth over breadth suits introverts better.

What kind of social settings work best for introverts abroad?

Settings with a built-in focus, a pottery class, a small climbing group, a volunteering shift, a language exchange with a fixed format. The activity supplies the topic and gives you cover to go quiet without it reading as rude.

How much socializing should an introvert abroad actually plan for?

One good recurring commitment a week that you can sustain will outlast three you dread and quietly cancel. Budget social energy like money, and plan quiet recovery time after each one.

What if I am afraid of making a cultural mistake while trying to make friends?

Most people are generous toward a newcomer who is visibly trying, and asking how something is normally done locally works as a conversation starter, not an admission of failure.

Is needing alone time after socializing abroad a sign something is wrong?

No, it is just the mechanism. Needing recovery time does not mean the approach is failing, it is a normal part of managing social energy as an introvert.